Happy Aussie Hung from Hongkong: 兩地書-之十四(談婚論嫁)

From: 弥则
To: kwanth_cfc
Sent: Tuesday, 24 April 2012 6:16 PM
Subject: :Travelling Arrangment For Mize Tung Jue Fan

亲爱的鸿夫子：我和christina联系了,我们将在这周内见面＾＿＾.

现在我碰到难题了,我的姊妹来找我,和我讨论关于她应该有的基督徒婚姻观.但是我发现我自己所持有的观点和自己的实际经历并不适合这位姊妹.可她需要帮助.所以我想我们应该寻找以为更成熟有远见的基督徒来给她指导.所以我首先想到了您.

这位姊妹今年二十來岁,刚刚从不正确的婚姻观里摆脱出来.因她之前的牧者对她在"清心守候”这个观点上有错误的灌输,认为清心守候就是死等,而且将所有原本正常的观点都做成形式化的内容,若犯规便是不对,若是行为得当内心肮脏也无所谓.这样表面的东西让她经常觉得空落落的.而如今她摆脱了这样的困境,却不知道正确的方法在哪里,是什么.她需要一个正确的观念来指导她,特别是一个正确的,适合她个人情况的婚姻观,以及她现在在这种境况下,又究竟该做些什么.

PS:因为新手机的缘故,只好分成两封信发给您.不知为什么黑莓字段这么短.

弥则

Re::Travelling Arrangment For Mize Tung Jue Fan

FROM: Hung Kwan

TO: 弥则

Tuesday, 24 April 2012 6:29 PM

It seems that you have not yet finished your email. I need more information. First, what are the issues? i.e. Should Christians get married with people of other faith or atheist! or Are Pre-marital sex as well as extra-marriage sex all condemned by God?

Then you have to brief me about the difference in view that you think it is in breach of the Bible teaching.

So, please supplement more information.

By the way have you booked the flight. Pleas advise flight information and price to Nikki to arrange for pick up at airport.

鸿夫子

From: 弥则
To: Hung Kwan
Sent: Tuesday, 24 April 2012 6:55 PM
Subject: :Travelling Arrangment For Mize Tung Jue Fan

親愛的鴻夫子：是這樣的，我的姊妹現在最大的問題就是不知道她現在該怎麼辦。她剛剛擺脫了一個錯誤的，很表面化的基督徒婚姻觀。在他們看來只要在行為上看起來很好，就算你心裡骯髒也不是什麽問題，並且要求所有的弟兄姊妹都按照他自己的想法來處理自己的婚姻。之前她得到的指導也是很有問題的。讓這位姊妹到了適婚的年級卻非常的迷茫。不知道在面對感情的時候如何處理，將來的婚姻到底應該是什麼樣的觀點。所以

1.您能否提供您的基督徒婚姻觀。

2.她現在已經二十來歲，不僅僅是家裡的人，還有周圍的一些朋友。都會讓她在婚姻上倍感壓力。但是在完全沒有指導的情況下她感覺非常倉皇失措，就像迷路了一樣，沒有指路的路牌。所以請問，她該如何面對這種情況呢？祂該怎麼做？

機票好貴！我在等待春秋航空是否會有更好的機票。但是不會晚過明天我會決定不耽誤。

彌則

发件人: "kwanth_cfc";

发送时间: 2012年4月24日(星期二) 下午4:38

收件人: "弥则";

主题: Re::Travelling Arrangment For Mize Tung Jue Fan

Mize, still I cannot catch the point. It is of course hypocrisy to only have superficial acts but filthy thought and wicked heart. But what are the real issues about marriage that have been confusing your Christian friends?

发件人: "kwanth_cfc";

发送时间: 2012年4月24日(星期二) 晚上9:38

收件人: "弥则";

主题: Re::Travelling Arrangment For Mize Tung Jue Fan

Dear Mize,

I don't want to rush for a reply, and for your friend sake, it would be in Chinese. But I just quickly lay down some of the premises and Christian view about marriage. The purpose is to induce you to elaborate a bit more of your friend’s issues, which I don't think I so far have grasped hold of it very clearly.

As far as I understand, she has never got married and has missed many chances because of wrong advice about the Christian view of marriage. (Can u brief me what are those wrong advices?) Now she is 29, feeling the pressure to get married anytime soon before she is too old for it.

So my first advice is , don't rush to arbitrarily get married to someone who happens to turn up in the first instance in the present desperate state. An imperfect person who loves God is better than a perfect atheist or people of other faith.

Marriage is a triangular relationship, especially for Christians. The more you love and have developed an intimate relationship with God, the closer would be the husband and wife relationship, even towards oneness if the couples are ones in Christ.

Family is the climax of God's creation. It must be built on the foundation of Christ, or in another word, the values systems of Christ taught to us thru the Bible. Thus, as a Christian, the golden rule is never married to a non-Christian as the bible wisely said in 2 Cor 林後2:14. Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. 信與不信不能用負一軛 For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

With Christ's faith and value as the foundation, a Christian marriage or family needs four walls. The importance in descending order is Commitment委身,Communication溝通, Love愛 and Forgiveness寬恕.

Commitment is a sacred vow to stay forever as couples under the witness of God. No one is perfect and there are fundamental differences between male and female. So, conflicts and differences are normal to exist and prevail. God purposely separated one human into male and female and match them to complement each other to regain perfection through marriage or family system. So, a marriage for convenience reason without commitment between each other and more so with God will bound to fail when conflicts and differences start to emerge.

Hence, the willingness to communicate is the key to resolve differences. It is done by understanding each others differences but trying to adjust yourself first to accommodate your other halves rather than expecting others to change to conform with your own thought and preferences. The skill of communication is always lending a listening ear first.

Couples with commitment in God and with each other and are always willing to resolve differences by two ways communication will bound to have selfless love being nurtured. This sort of love bonds the couples together despite of hardship, and can prevail in both good and bad times.

The other side of the coin of love is forgiveness. As human, we all have weakness to fail and hurt each others. Forgiveness is the other form of manifestation of love by giving up your right to revenge even you are being wronged by your spouses.

Humanly speaking, it is easy to understand those biblical teaching, but we all know in flesh we are powerless to achieve what God tell us to do. Thus, as a Christian, our source of strength is from God in terms of grace. We need to live by grace through faith. Grace resembles the roof of a Christian family. It is vital for helping us to weather all sort of ungodly attacks of the world.

So, by now, you should learn all the building blocks of a Christian marriage.

How and when to discover the other half that God have prepared for you? There is no short cut but prayers and prayers alone. You just open up your personal life to a Christian circles. The chemical would be spotted if it is the matching by God transcending human judgement criteria. Of course common sense still prevails for instance, no great ages differences, good health condition, comfort and ease to engage. All others secular consideration(equality in social status, education, wealth etc) can be trumped by the only most important condition -- does the one you date love God and put Him first? This is the key leading to the first criteria of commitment. If someone loves and is in awe of God, he/she certainly will be able to make steadfast commitment with God and with their other half.

Because of the commitment you gave God and your spouse. Divorce is not an option for Christian couples. As the Christian Marriage is a sacred union witnessed by God that can't be separated lest by death and adultery. I may not want to go deeper in this at the moment. I mentioned this as a warning that no one should enter into a marriage lightly with an attempt to try it out first and just quit when you feel unhappy about it.

Don't give oneself pressure if no suitable candidate appears. God also blesses single people if there is special reason in God's eye for them to remain single like Paul. But through prayers, if just one chance turns up, you don't wait for more choices but just grasp this single chance by two hands.

Ha Ha, you have just made me a biblical marriage specialist. I have never held any wedding or do any pre-marital counselling in my life.

Let me know if my suggestions are relevant for that sister in Christ.

鴻夫子

NB. If you feel the air ticket is too expensive, advise Nikki see if ICC as a regular customer booking flights for volunteers would get a better deal. If they deem your quote is already good than you don't have to worry about the costs but just book it yourself first. Otherwise , give the ball back to ICC.

From: 弥则
To: Hung Kwan
Sent: Thursday, 26 April 2012 1:01 PM
Subject::Travelling Arrangment For Mize Tung Jue Fan

親愛的鴻夫子：我的機票已經訂好。以下為具體信息：

2012.5.20 深圳航空ZH9978-14：00——16:15 蘭州中川機場到—長沙黃花機場费用为最低报价加上燃油税和机建费为1037元

我的姊妹看完您给她的信了，她请我转告您，您的信很鼓励她，她觉得您很厉害，有大爱.信又很中肯，引用圣经却不死板，动之以情却不是命令.一看您的信就知道您经历过很多事情，懂得很多，她在您面前就是一个不懂事的小孩子。她会再好好看看这封信，并且会好好默想一阵子，不会匆忙胡乱嫁人的，她非常感谢您，真羡慕我有这样的带领啊。

她请我一定要谢谢你，所以我就把她跟我讲的话都写过来给你了。

弥则

Re: Travelling Arrangment For Mize Tung Jue Fan

FROM: Hung Kwan

TO: 弥则

Thursday, 26 April 2012 3:11 PM

親愛的弥則,

我因情急等不及慢慢用电子筆去寫出心中一點對婚姻的想法，本來是先寫給妳看，想妳得多一點關於婚姻的聖經觀念後，能把妳那一位姊妹的問題講得更具体一些，譬如曾被甚麽樣的婚姻觀念困擾？然後用中文寫信給妳的姊妹是更禮貌合宜的。對不相識的朋友用外語來作第一次的溝通好像不太好，不過知道她從中也得到一點幫助我也十分告慰。所有牧者都是神的僕人盡量忠實詮釋神的話語，都是出自愛心的，故也不必比較，我憑空說幾句婚姻的通識本來就不及一個與妳有生活甚至生命交流的牧者耳提面點。無論如何，如再有甚麽具体問題，歡迎彼此切磋！

鴻夫子

FROM: 弥则

TO: Hung Kwan

Friday, 27 April 2012 12:36 AM

親愛的鴻夫子：

哎呀真是不好意思，我看過那封信之後便認為這便是給我姊妹的回信了。於是便發給她，但我事先忘記徵求你的意見，真是冒失！真是很抱歉!

我的姊妹之前接受的基督徒婚姻觀，單單講出來的時候并不覺得是錯的。這個婚姻觀的中心思想是“清心守候”。本質上無問題，但是發展到後來我們都發現這并不真正適用於生活中。雖然有具體的方式，但是都非常的死板。比如要求姊妹對待感情的處理方式只能有一種，那就是死等。在有男生對其告白之前不能有任何的行動。而且不論這個男生你是否喜歡，你都要去考慮并禱告一個月。這本沒有什麽問題，但是我們發現有很多時候如果你不同意或者不願意同那位男生做朋友，就會被視為不順服。因為他們考慮如果你們在一起便可為教會做更多事情。就好像姊妹只是這個遊戲中的一個附屬品，你只有聽話的份兒，如此之類的清規戒律還有很多。

事實上我本人深受困擾，在此之前曾被一位男生表達過類似的感情，雖然我是個個性很強硬的人，但我不想傷害這位弟兄的感情。但事實是之後我還是不停受到該男生明目張膽的騷擾，直到我忍無可忍想要強硬措施時，卻認為我的脾氣太過暴躁和易怒（我不不大記得了，差不多是這樣意思的詞語）。而我從頭到尾都不像一個受害者，倒好像是一個誘使弟兄跌倒的元兇。姊妹在他們所謂的婚姻觀中不受尊重。

而我的姊妹顯然也感受到了這一點，覺得這樣表面的清規戒律不僅僅捆綁她的手腳，更讓她覺得壓抑。讓她反思這是否是個值得遵循的標準。而現在，她很肯定這種婚姻觀的可悲之處并決定不再遵從下去。然而拋棄一個舊的觀念之後并沒有一個正確的觀點來指引亦讓她覺得很茫然，所以她找到我，而我自覺自己的淺顯認知和經歷不能幫助她，而且我自己的觀點也並不適合她。她現在面臨年齡的無奈，以及來自家中和身邊朋友的壓力，所以我想到您，希望得到一個適合她本人可做指導的正確婚姻觀。

而我也慶倖我找到了您，很明顯您的回信告訴了她中肯的意見。讓她暫且安靜了下來，并不再煩悶和焦躁不安了。我的姊妹應該也不大習慣看英文郵件，不過她說若遇到不明白的也會求助GOOGLE translation。當然如果您認為看過她的更多信息之後認為還是寫封中文信更好，我想她一定會覺得很感動。

彌則

基督徒戀愛和婚姻觀 2

FROM: Hung Kwan

TO: 弥则

親愛的弥則和妳主內情同手足的好姊妹：

我已是六十花甲之年的曾經年青、還想保持年青心境的牧者。

成長、社交、交友、約會、戀愛、到談婚論嫁，都是人生必經的階段。我和師母大学一年級便開始約會，當時都未信主，但倒很快便有廝守一生的默契。畢業後努力工作，合供樓花，樓宇落成之日，便是我們奉樓成婚之時，時年24歲，以那時代之標準，算在早婚之列。故妳們現在經歷的交友、約會、談戀愛的困惑，我好像經歷不多，可是我現今卻要為三個兒子掛心！大兒子回港工作，27歲才找到對象，是小時分散多年的同学，初約會時女方還未信主，但兒子耐心禱告交託，半年後帶女友信主。可是因香港置業買樓困難，至今32歲尚未能成家立室，叫我两老乾著急；二和三兒仍在布市與我們同住，年齢分為30和25歲，他們都有很活躍的交友圈，包括教會內及外，可是到現在還沒有約會、談戀愛的跡象。他們看似都毫不在意，也從不向两老求意見，所以只讓我們為他們乾著急。

說了這一大堆，就是我應該理解妳們的感受。但無論如何，我們作主內父母的態度，是寧願他們按神的心意和教導而行，不可把交友和談戀愛混為一談。前者是学習建立合宜社交人際關係，後者卻是朝著建立神的基督化家庭的目標來進發。妳們現在最大的困擾，是如何在或大或小的社交圈中，尋找認定那两情双悅，可專一約會談戀愛，發展為互託終身的對象！

其实正確的戀愛觀和婚姻觀，都需要從委身(Commitment)開始。所以談戀愛切忌一腳踏两船，倒像踏滑浪板一樣，專注在戀愛的浪濤裏找到那永不失腳的平衡點，乘风破浪地朝婚盟的海岸進發。

神創造人，是故意的男女有別，处於必定不對等但又極之平等的互相補足的地位。在約會、談戀愛的階段，誰都可採取主動，只要有由主裏來的感動，和主巧妙營造的環境機遇來作印証，讓两個懷著彼此賞悅傾慕悸動的心扣在一起，這是清楚不過的訊號，必定是双向性，同感一灵的。未有信仰的男女如是，像當年師母和我，有信仰的主內弟兄姊妹，更應會有如斯的电觸感。在還沒有找到這共同电觸點之前的約會，較宜低調保密，沒有，就彼此交待，互相尊重，保持一般朋友關係。有的話也宜盡早溝通交流，進入專一約会，深入瞭解的「公開」戀愛階段，雖還未到談婚論嫁的地步，但已要求有不旁騖的双互性的委身！到結婚之前，都要保持互愛又互相尊重的純洁。

以上都是粗畧的基督徒交友戀愛基本原則，到實行起來，我深信必仍有無數的問題，我巴不得能進入妳們的生命中與妳們一起去經歷，倒是我們天上的父更合宜去扮演這角色，我在澳洲也定會在禱告中切切記念妳們的需要。此外，還可薄盡的棉力，就是抄錄了一些網上找到的有關資訊，輯錄為《基督徒婚友觀》一文件；又有一本小冊子，名為《信徒恋爱婚姻60问》，短小精桿，但甚有参考價值，我會帶來送給妳們，如急著看，可到此網站下載:http://www.chengmengen.org/html/；最後，我上次用英文寫的基督徒婚姻觀，可在附上的power point file 中找到中英對照。

願在主內同蒙恩福

鴻夫子

回复：基督徒戀愛和婚姻觀

FROM: 弥则

TO: Hung Kwan

Saturday, 28 April 2012 3:42 PM

亲爱的鸿夫子：

刚刚收到，万分感谢！我已经将信件转发给我的姊妹。虽还未与她取得联系，但是我知道她必定是很感动的。读完这封邮件之后我也收益很多，我想可以拿回去和我的妈妈看。

非常感谢！回去之后我会再看看。也真是开心今天有这封信作为今天的开头。

：DDD

弥则

回复：基督徒戀愛和婚姻觀

FROM: 弥则

TO: Hung Kwan

Saturday, 28 April 2012 3:42 PM

如果我的姊妹有什么反馈我也会第一时间告诉您。

Re: 回复：基督徒戀愛和婚姻觀

FROM: Hung Kwan

TO: 弥则

Saturday, 28 April 2012 5:32 PM

親愛的弥則和妳主內可推心置腹的好姊妹：

還有未盡的話：感謝主能按衪的心意在歪曲悖謬的世代裏憑尔意行，在破裂的世界可建立真正彼此造就，互相成全的戀情,以至從一而終的婚姻。神在聖經中的基督化家庭的設計，就是叫两个本質烱異，性格有別的男女,在主的包容和無盡的愛的澆灌下,把两个未盡完美的生命，在聖靈的感动和磨合下,合一轉化達至完美，止於至善，恢復神造人本來光輝完美的形象，最終叫神獨得衪那配得的榮耀！這樣的一個美好的基督化家庭，便能衍生討神喜悅，榮神益人的下一代，就像林書豪便是他敬虔父母所結的美果。當国家社會裏的家庭都能如此地被建立，則離大同世界、天府神州不遠矣！

所以基督徒的婚姻嫁娶，不應單狹義地為延續一已家庭香燈，卻在於重建以神為中心的屬靈国度這更宏觀遠大的職事。所以若有特殊情况，在過著一个合神心意，而能榮神益人的生命的人，縱一生獨身，或結婚但無兒女的，神仍可祝福，叫妳有無數的屬灵兒女，主內骨肉至親，生命仍可活得美好蒙恩蒙福！如此例証，在聖經中，在基督徒社群裏，彼彼皆是。所以獨身也可以是神賜給一些人的另類祝福！不必也不應以此為憂慮！更不應以此為羞恥！就像我沒有女兒，但神竟憑空賜給我像弥則這般可全然交心，有生命交流的屬靈女兒！所以，我也在学習，對自己三个兒子的戀愛婚姻，繼續憑信，持樂觀安靜等侯，和至終順服的態度！

以上的「談婚論嫁」的交流分享，我覺得在逸名和掩蓋歲數下，應該可給現世代的年青人，或如我一般「心焦」作家翁的父母分享。但如妳和姊妹仍覺不便也沒關係。最要緊在神的角度正面看人生，便不虛度此生了。